I am dating!
This is how the story goes. I was living my life and enjoying the fruits of my investment in personal development (see my previous posts on my journey and thoughts at each phase of my life). Here enters a guy who was extremely nice, caring and attentive to my needs. Within a span of two months, he got my complete trust. He was so consistent and trustworthy. We started going out alone soon after, and he made his intentions very clear. I really appreciated how direct he was because I really hate playing the guessing game and I love how he was ready to take a rejection because I feel like my personal boundaries are respected. At this point, he has already shared his romantic interest with his close friends and they have been teasing him about it (and the fact that we are all classmates certainly didn’t help). I like how he never once pressured me into reciprocating whatever he was doing for me even though he was probably facing some sort of stress from his friends.
But I must be very honest. At that point, I was not sure whether I liked him and whether dating him would be the correct way forward. First, there were times when he was extraordinarily nice to me and I found it cringey. According to my mum, this is a sign that I do not like him (but I am not too sure myself). In addition, there are not many instances of me having the ‘butterfly’ feel, which I hold to be the flag to tell myself that I like someone. Second, I wasn’t sure if dating him would be the correct way forward because we are both part of a close-knitted community. I must also say that he is very much more invested in this community than I am. If we ever get together, word will definitely spread. Realistically speaking, we will definitely quarrel at times and perhaps break-up (*touchwood*). I do not want to make the place where he can almost call his second home, a place he cannot return to. Another thing to consider is that we both serve in the same committee. I don’t know how the team dynamics will change but I am afraid because I do not want to make things awkward for other people.
I told him that I needed more time.
Meanwhile, I suddenly realised that I have been subconsciously accepting him. Physically, I did not realise that the personal space boundary that I stay true to has already been broken until someone pointed it out. I felt so comfortable next to him that I did not mind him coming in close (we were not official yet). Emotions wise, I realised that I have been not rejecting him, or in other words, giving him positive signs. Honestly, I did not realise it until we both became quite emotionally invested and at some point, I wondered if the only way out was to date (I felt like I could not rewind the whole thing because I would hurt him). But also, I realised I trust him a lot. When he does not reply to my texts, I do not feel panicky. I used to feel incredibly stressed if someone doesn't reply to my texts. Even though this has been greatly improved after my self-developmental journey, the thought of ‘did I say something wrongly’ crosses my mind here and there. With him, such occurrences were at a record low, and I am surprised. I do not understand how I could have this much trust and confidence in someone I only recently got close to.
In a subsequent meeting, this topic came up. I asked him how serious he was about this. He gave me a really mature answer which was honestly very impressive to me. He said that he was not sure. You see, usually if someone takes so much initiative and they say that they are not sure, I would back off immediately, but with him, I felt even more comfortable when he said that. I feel like he shared my feelings of uncertainty. He said that because it was his first time doing this also, he is not sure. I felt so much maturity in him and that he is grounded in his feelings. I believe that going into a relationship with someone who is not grounded enough can easily turn into a toxic relationship. At this point, I feel like we are on a journey of self-discovery of sorts, together.
I told him that we should talk about this seriously again after our exams, which were in about 2 months or so.
Meanwhile, I was thinking hard about it and was getting kinda excited about the time we will get to spend together if we actually make things official, but my worries are still around. I sought advice from my friend about this. My friend asked around the community we were part of and found out that couples were normal, and un-beautiful break-ups were not non-existent. I must say this kind of comforted me because now I know that the community can always be a place we go back to regardless of what happens to our relationship. .My friend went on to compliment him about how attentive he was to me. Oh and at this point, I would like to point out that he has such duality in character and I love it. When everyone is around, he has sort of a clown personality. The one that brings laughter to the table and can be quite rowdy at times. When it is just us, he is gentle and loving. My friend pointed out his duality as cringe-worthy but I thought that it was very sweet.
Meanwhile, I continued thinking about the future of our relationship. At this point, I know that I was leaning towards a yes. Me being me, I left this decision at the corner of my brain and waited for the right timing and the right amount of energy in me.
One day, when we were out together, the timing was ok (even though now that I think of it, I probably should have delayed it for a week or two BUT with Covid, maybe the timing of my decision was ok). I had great energy that day for some reason. After dinner, I asked him if he was in the mood to talk about serious stuff, and he said sure. I must say that I was really nervous and like my cheeks were red and my hands were shaking. How am I supposed to bring this up? I sipped on my drink and sip and sip and sip. I usually find it difficult to finish a drink with a meal, but boy, half of my drink was gone already. The words finally rolled off my tongue and there, I said it. It was met with great response and great maturity about the new journey we were about to start together.
And the end ~
I believe that there isn’t a one correct love story and that there are many other ways of falling in love or getting into a relationship. I want to say that nothing is ever not validated. Even if your love story is not ‘normal’, if you are having fun, just go for it. For everyone young (feel free to define this as you wish. I feel that being young is being in a stage of life where you have enough energy to say that I want to explore the world), I believe that fun should be a great factor when considering whether to get into a relationship. If both of you are having fun, just go for it. This definitely does not mean that the relationship you get into will be a superficial one. I believe that it will be the start of a healthy one, where you share joy and slowly add layers of sophistication to your relationship, thoroughly enjoying each step along the way.
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