(I wrote this in the middle of Semester 1, somewhere in December 2019. I am still going to post this for anyone who was interested in that part of my life!)
I used to post every other week but I left this blogging thing hanging because school started! Here is my life updates:
School started for me. Everything is really new for me. I was really busy attending orientation camps, learning the school system and getting to classes. I recently finished my exams week so I have more time to blog. Today, I want to share how I put all of the things I have learnt (See all my previous blog posts) in the play. More like, I want to appreciate myself for getting through a lot of emotional stress and surviving well (not thriving yet).
I am in what I would call a ‘second-tier’ course, but as I have worked through my thoughts on this (See my previous blog post on ‘Hacking being average’), let me share how I did it. I joined a rigorous academic-related programme. This is something super challenging for me both in the academic and personal sense. Academically, I am not even sure I can cope with the normal school load and yet I was going to take up an extra load that brands itself as ‘rigorous’. I hesitated for about a whole month before eventually deciding to stick to my belief of doing things that challenge me. I literally close my eyes, held my breath and submitted the application form. Then, the next obstacle came by really quickly - the interview. It was the worst kind of interview ever. I had to face a panel and on top of the normal interview questions, I had to prepare a 5 minutes presentation on a scientific topic that interests me. I had to talk science to people with more specialised and refined knowledge about many many scientific topics. G.r.e.a.t. It was a nerve-wracking experience but I got through it and I passed the interviews! Today, I have completed about one-quarter of my journey in this programme! This programme has kept me super busy with all the submissions and presentations. It brought me away from slacking. Personally, joining this programme is a huge milestone for me. This programme is research-orientated. Before this programme, I have done several research projects in secondary school. I must say that research was very draining for me, emotionally. I took a break for two years from researching after my secondary school days. Other than being extra emotionally draining, the research projects I took caused my self-confidence and self-worth to take a hit. For the first proejct, it was regretful that I couldn’t contribute as much as I wished I would because my team mates were seriously intimidating and I just could not speak up or catch up with everything we are doing. On the other hand, I know that there are no excuses for being such a timid and cowardly teammate that hardly every contributed anything intellectual, but on the other hand, I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. This honestly just makes things even more frustrating. This has also made me feel like I am academically sub-par to others. I do not feel confident dealing with foreign and abstract concepts, and in fact, I kind of panic and feel super anxious when I do so. The subsequent two projects that I took on, I played a more active role in contributing intellectually but I felt like a horrible team member because I ended up doing most of the work. I felt like I couldn’t strike a balance between contributing very little and contributing too much. When I think about research projects, I am a mess on the inside. But during my break from research, I did a lot of work on personal development and the spark that initially brought me towards research came back. I realised that I could control the anxiety that came from dealing with abstract concepts and there was something missing from my life. Apart from wanting to fill that gap in my life, I wanted to use this programme as a chance for me to untie the knot that has been hidden within me. I want to come out as a more confident person and a better teammate, and of course with more refined technical skills. But the road to such is really not easy. During this semester, the module I had to take under this programme involved a physics module. My greatest nightmare. And probably the root cause of all the emotional knots within me. Thankfully, I had great seniors who hand-held me through tutorials where I was seriously clueless and with assignments which would have sent me back to the state I was about 5 years back. I think that I have a long way to go before being able to truly recover. But I am so glad that I have started the recovery process and so thankful for everyone who have helped me along the way. Also, this programme would serve as the last chance for myself to see if research is my thing. If it is not, it’s time to find another way. This has been part one of my story.
Moving on, socially, I am really glad that I was able to pull through some tough times that I know I may not have pulled through in the past. Because of some friendship problems in the past, I think that loyalty is really really important in a friendship. When my friend leaves me to look for other people even though we are hanging out, I get this sinking feeling. It is like my self-worth sinking. Is it because I am not entertaining enough? Did I do something to offend them? This sinking feeling came back on a few occasions and I must say that the way I handled it is way better than before. Instead of sinking with a sinking feeling, I let myself fully experience that feeling, without fighting it. Then, I move on. I keep a mental note on people who have done this. You can call me petty, but I am confident enough to say that I choose who I hang out with, and I am not afraid to be alone. This brings me to my next point, being alone. I think that I am learning how to be alone. I am starting to ignore what others would think of me when they see me alone and I am learning how to spend time alone. Instead of feeling lonely, I feel rejuvenated when I have time to myself. It feels like I know how and when to draw the boundary between me time and we time.
These have been what I went through and got through within the last semester. I hope reading this can comfort you in some way or another, or perhaps just entertained you for the last few minutes.
I don’t know what I will blog about next. We will see.
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