Do you feel like you don’t belong? Like you were never a part of ‘here’ and a part of ‘there’. Me too. Read on to find out how I thought through it.
‘Not here not there’ was the passing comment I heard from my friend a few years ago. And was she right? Now that I think about it, maybe.
I was never truly here nor there. It all started when I was young. I worked really really hard for my exams and placed third in class. I was then moved to the ‘best class’. After experiencing the thrill of achieving academic success, I was motivated to continue this streak, but it was a whole new ball game in the ‘best class’. I was normal. I was no longer in a class where it is praiseworthy to concentrate in class, ask questions to clarify and work hard. It was a given. Whilst I continue being un-extraordinary in my class, or so I thought, I chanced upon a friend from another class who asked to compare results. This friend happened to place first in his class, and I realised that I scored better than him, but I was not invited to the prize ceremony because I just did not do as well as my classmates in the exams. I was like not here not there.
Then, I went on to secondary school. I did not do well enough in my PSLE to get a scholarship but I did do well enough to earn myself a place in a prestigious school of my choice. As I continue my secondary education, I came to realise that I was faring better than my friend who was under the school scholarship, academically. We had similar leadership involvement and non-academic participation. However, even when she could not keep up with the academic requirements of the scholarship, they did not cut the scholarship. Then, there was me, stuck between feeling jealous and envy, and yet happy for a friend. I was like not here not there.
Thereafter, I went on to a junior college and fast forward two years, I took my A-levels and graduated. My A-levels results came back and I was disappointed. By societal’s standard, it was considered above average, but for me, it was not really enough. Did I try my best? Yes. But do I feel disappointed? Yes. I was not doing bad enough to wail about it but I did not do good enough to get a scholarship (missing the mark to 'excelling' again).
This is frustrating.
I know I speak from a position of privilege, and there are perhaps many others who wished they could be just like me. But the point is, I wished I could be better. I have always been trying my best and studying hard and smart (hopefully). I do not understand why I always fall short of being the best. I am always landing in what I would call ‘second-tier’ situations.
However, as I mature and continue to reflect on my life, instead of treating my life as ‘not here not there’, I should be more accepting and appreciative of what I have. Rather than feeling frustrated that I always land in ‘second-tier’ situations, I think the root of the problem is that I want to be the best. The harsh truth is that there can only be one best and there will always only be one best. However, I do not have to become the best by being better than others, I can be the best of myself. This will make it hard for on-lookers to choose who is the best comparatively, they can only pick out who is good. For example, if we compare singers such as Taeyeon, Ailee and IU, and ask, who is the best singer. It is very difficult to choose one objectively, without using personal preference as a criterion, because they are all very skilful musicians and give their best on stage. If we refer to a Korean cooking programme where chefs compete, it is very difficult for the judges to choose their favourite dish because every dish is prepared with much skill and care. Judges always fall back onto their personal preference to choose the dish that appealed to them most and make it a point to appreciate the effort put in by all competing chefs.
I will always be ‘not here not there’ if all I look at is the best and the worst. I need to accept being normal and continue to work hard at everything I do without the motivation stemming from wanting to be the best.
If you have ever heard that you were ‘not here not there’, don’t get frustrated with yourself. It is ok to be average and just keep going.
But admittedly, being average is frustrating, all the more for strive-hards and sometimes for normal people like me who want to be amazingly outstanding at least once. Catch my next blog post (which will be posted next week) to find out how I hacked being average.
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