So I was organizing my newest blog post on ‘Results Day’ and getting it ready for publishing. It was written last year. As I was reading it, I decided to do a follow-up post.
Right now, I am in university, going on to Year 2 in Life Sciences. I am alive and kicking, so yea, that is an accomplishment for me. No, I am not depressed and no, you do not need to be depressed for your daily goal to be to wake up and take your day head-on.
Whilst I embarked on a new journey in life, I have had friends who took a gap year so that they can reattempt entry into the medical school. It was very bold of them and I must say that I do not have the drive to do so. I asked myself if I would have followed their steps and taken a gap year to wait for medical school. My answer then and now did not change, it’s a no. It was really painful for me to get results that were far below my own expectations and not get into medical school. The process was incredibly draining. But I must say that I do not have a do-or-die attitude towards medical school like my friends. Even though it was regretful that I did not even get a shot at the interviews, I have no regrets (am I contradicting myself here hahaha). It is a bittersweet memory but I am not looking back anymore.
Recently, my friends that took a gap year got into medical school! I am really happy for them but somehow I feel a bit sad. Perhaps I have not gotten over my rejection completely, but it dampens my feelings quite a bit when my friends posted this piece of news all over their Instagrams. I am really proud they made it this far, especially so when the journey was incredibly rough for them. But there are people around them who have chosen to take a different path around the same circumstance. I am not asking that they keep things quiet. They can celebrate of course, but I wished someone was with me to comfort me as well. It is very difficult to talk about my situation to others because some people have certain prejudices against med-school rejects and others simply don’t care. I just wished someone knew everything I was going through.
That being said, I must say that I have moved on from the life of waiting for my application to be accepted. It is a very painful life to live and I give my respects to everyone who is doing so (many times out of their own will). Currently, I hold a more wholesome view of applications and interviews. An interview is a two-way thing. I am also there to feel the vibe and ask questions to see if it is a good fit for me. An application being rejected means one door closed, and many more to find. There are times when I fall into a self-doubt spiral but I try to keep these thoughts afloat.
Recently, the spiral of self-doubt is making its comeback. I realised that so many doors are closed. I wanted to apply for some mid-term scholarships because my current view of scholarships is that they are an opportunity, not a reward. It opens doors to people and to resources, that can really help me shine. It also secures me a job after graduation hehehe, I am kinda treating it as early job-hunting and application. There aren’t many that fits what I want to do with my life. Even the one that I thought was a good fit was no longer being offered (they took down the whole scholarship program) so I was feeling like lost because I am facing many many closed doors. I know scholarships are not the be-all-and-end-all but I really think it provides a good chance for networking, broadening my horizons and relieving some financial load off my parents. Many opportunities are reserved for scholars only, and there are so many closed-door events that it frustrates me.
Even though I have said all these dark things, University has been a life-changing journey so far. I have met so many people that I am so thankful for. They are so inspiring and helpful. I really cannot ask for more. They have guided me during the days when I was absolutely lost literally (because I know nuts about universities) and mentally (because I have no idea what I am doing with my life). They were there for me when I was feeling low, and they were there to witness all my achievements, no matter how small. I have heard so many non-conventional stories. This is an eye-opening experience for me because I grew up sheltered and in very homogeneous environments. Having heard so many stories and witnessing how everyone has a different background, a different goal but yet we are all here in University, in the same phase of life, is very fascinating and I have truly learnt a lot from them.
The process of getting to where I am today was incredibly painful but I am not looking back anymore. Right now, I am looking forward, with the strength of what has happened behind me (literally leaving the past to be the past, and metaphorically, it becomes a source of strength that is pushing me from behind). I don’t think I am anywhere near the peak of what I can be so I can’t say that life is sweet now, but I am looking forward to it. Cheers to mine and yours!
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