This was written a few months after the release of the A-levels results last year, and I am only posting it now because I was swept into a whole wind whirl of university admission deadlines, essay writings and settling into my new phase of life (and of course, dealing with my feelings).
It was results day, the day when my future would be determined. I wanted to go to medical school so I worked really hard over the course of that year to get the straight As that I will need. I had lunch with a close friend before we head to school together. It has been about 3 months since I stepped into the school hall and I felt familiar but a stranger to this whole place and company. The principle and deans start talking, and soon, the announcement came. Those who did well in the exams were called out and celebrated, and I prayed that my name was called. Slide after slide, my name did not appear. My heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was in my throat. My whole body started trembling, and I am not even kidding here. That’s the end of all the announcements, my name was not called. I told myself, its ok, there’s still hope, maybe I got a B or two.
Our teachers started giving out the results slips, and I waited for my turn. My friends who have the earlier register numbers got their slips and some started crying. As I comfort them and give them a hug, tears starting welling up in my eyes as well. It was my turn. I took my results slip and flipped it open.
I saw 1 C, 2 As and 1B. At 86.25 rank points (point system for A-levels, 90 is the maximum), it was considered ok, or even pretty good. But for me, it was nothing near my expectations of myself. For the first time in my life, I saw a B and a C on my final exams slip. I felt like the world has collapsed on me and I just started crying uncontrollably. I called my mother who was at work and told her. She is a supportive parent. She comforted me, but I was really disappointed in myself. Writing about this about 3 months after results day still brings me to tears.
I sat in the hall crying and crying, and I’m super thankful for my friends that came by to comfort me (thanks friends! Even though they may never see this or even know it's me hehhehehe) But I felt super lost and like confused.
Well, I still had hope. Medical school has a special admission process that admits students without the perfect score but with an outstanding portfolio. I still had a shot at this. The timeline for this process is super tight but I rushed everything to meet this deadline. I submitted the thing and I held on to hope, hoping that I will be called down for the interview at least. After the application period was closed, I spent every waking moment next to my phone, waiting for it to ring, waiting for a text, waiting for an email. I checked my phone constantly, and day after day, I just kept hoping and waiting to be notified for an interview. Every day, I start off hopeful and I end of disappointed. And this continued for about a whole month. It was such a draining process because a lot of emotional energy is spent staying hopeful and then being disappointed.
Well, I still had hope. Scholarships. 86.25 rank points can give me a shot at interviews, I hope. I sent in my application for the government scholarships and for my school’s one, I read that ‘no separate scholarship application is required’. Ok, so the waiting game begins again. I wish, I wait and I hope. Again, I check my mailbox very frequently. One day, I finally saw an email - thank you for applying but we are sorry. Its ok, I still have hope - the university scholarship. So, I continued waiting and hoping. This was when this very disturbing thought came to my mind, 'did I screw up the application process...'. I went to check the university website again and OMG I MISSED A LINE that redirects me to a scholarship application portal. Turns out that the ‘no separate application required’ refers to the bursaries and not all scholarships. Its ok, I still have hope. I will email the school and ask them to consider my application and justify why I am late. So, I wait again. The reply came in and it said ‘sorry, we are no longer accepting late applications.
My heart sank. It is not ok. I have no more hope.
To be brutally honest here, I am no mother-Theresa. I don’t know whether I am to lose myself in the service of others. At 18, all I know is that I want to be recognised for all the effort I have put in my academic work. Since I like Biology, I thought that the most distinguished path was to become a doctor, and a bonus would be I can give back to society by helping others. Even if I cannot make it to medical school, I can be attached to a prestigious scholarship and this could be a form of recognition too. I know that craving for this much recognition from society is not exactly healthy but I think that being true to myself is more important to conform to societal standards. There is a certain stigma to thinking that the only success in life is to become a doctor or lawyer or to be a scholar. But I want to be recognised by my society for all of my efforts, and I thought that one way to do it is to walk on the path stepped on by many successful professionals. And even now, I am not ashamed of my thoughts.
But but all of these are gone. I am no medical student, no future doctor, no prestigious scholar. I am a normal university student with a student debt building up soon. I know that I am in a very privileged position, but it does come with its own set of struggles.
The whole short journey of applying and waiting for the results was very very painful and draining. It was because of false hope. Every time I get a rejection letter, I told myself to stay positive and wait for the outcomes of the other applications. I was feeling super overwhelmed by my results that failed my personal expectations and feeling super sorry for my teachers, family and everyone else who have had high hopes for me. But I tried to ignore these feelings and hold on to hope. It was not until I got all the rejection letters that I finally faced reality. Having hope is a good thing, but it is also a very dangerous thing because it hinders my ability to accept reality. Hope puts me in a cloud, it cushions all the negativity and rose-tints my thoughts. When hope was gone, I felt like I was thrown onto the cold and hard cement floor and I was looking through a black-and-white filtered window.
Whilst everyone was busy asking around for where their friends would be pursuing their further education, I was hiding at home. I was learning how to cope with disappointment and trying to move on with life.
Fast forward a few months, and that would be today. I have no story of success, those ‘I had horrible grades but look where I am today’ kind of stories. I am still grappling with the disappointment and about ready to move on with life, I hope. But well, I am alive and kicking. I will be studying biology at university and minoring in public health. I convinced myself that there was more than one way of continuing to study a subject of interest and helping others. As for gaining recognition for my work, I will continue to work hard to make that come true.
I am not someone that readily shares my hardships, especially when the rough patch barely passed. But I am putting this out there, hopefully as a source of comfort for you. I am looking forward to our story of success.
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