The following is an episode about a rough patch in my leadership journey. I must say that I did not have much fun during that time, but looking back, I really learnt a lot from it and I am grateful that there was such an episode in my life (I wouldn't fancy going through such an episode any later in my life).
In JC, for some reason, I felt very comfortable in my new class. I have a few familiar faces with me in my class, but the rest of them were new faces.
I was able to talk to everyone comfortably which puts me in a position to help everyone and become the person they turn to if they need help. Conveniently, I was voted in as the class chairperson.
Well, it was not my first time holding such a position and I didn’t think twice before I accepted the position.
I understand that I was responsible for bringing the class together and getting all the administrative crap like collecting forms done. I knew just how important this job was because I came from an amazing class where I was given the same chance to serve my classmates. Together, we created a wonderful class synergy that made planning and executing all the dreadful school carnivals enjoyable and memorable, and a comfortable and embracing learning atmosphere such that most of us did very well in our finals. I was determined to re-create all of these in my new class.
I am no extrovert but I gave it my all. I planned out-of-school outings for the class to bond and get to know each other better. But attendance was never full, and the last one, only 8 people showed up and all of which are people I am kinda close to and they showed up for me. I organised birthday celebrations in school but the response was lukewarm, or even cold. My classmates just seem like they couldn’t be bothered to interact with others beyond their cliques.
I held class discussions to plan for school events. I ended up doing most of the work. I usually had no problem with that as long as I see my classmates have fun during the carnival and in the process of ‘planning’ for the event. But this time, I felt super drained.
All of these lukewarm responses to all of my efforts were starting to make me feel very uncomfortable, and slowly, it became draining. Then, one day, I received a message from my teacher that said ‘I know you are not the rah-rah kind of person, but can we try - lists more class events to carry out - so that we can better bond the class’. It suddenly hit me. It is because of me? If only I was more rah-rah or extroverted, I would be able to bring the class together. If only I had done better, the class atmosphere wouldn’t be so toxic and tiring for everyone. If only I wasn’t elected, maybe the class would be better off. I felt that is was all my fault.
I continued to carry out all of the suggested events and plan all the school events, with the response going from lukewarm to cold to icy cold. I kept going and finished one year of service.
I felt super stressed about being a better leader and super sorry to everyone that put their trust in me when they voted for me. I felt sorry for being me.
I rejected the second year of service despite full-on support from my classmates because I know that I couldn't handle it mentally. I needed some time for myself, to think and recover.
As I look back now, I realise that I was being overly-idealistic and overly harsh on myself. There were signs that my classmates were those that are not very supportive of school events and generally not interested in school. But I told myself that I can change this! I need to know that sometimes a leopard cannot change its spots, and hence I shouldn’t be too harsh on myself when things didn’t go as well as I thought it would.
I am so proud of myself that I made it through that tough period of my life, and how much I have grown because of this. I have really refined my leadership ethos through this and became a more resilient person.
Talking about this rough journey takes a lot of courage from me, but I did it and I hope that this can comfort you if you are or were in my shoes. Here’s to more great journeys!
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