Due to the recent COVID situation, I am currently stuck at home all day and all night long. Unavoidably, I started thinking about life again. Whilst browsing through Pinterest, I decided to take on this challenge of asking all the questions I came across in a post that I really liked. Here is my answer to the first question: What phase of life do you think you are currently in?
To start off, let me just re-think my life into phases because I have always been categorising my life based on academic years, like my kindergarten life, my primary school life.
The Ambitious phase (5-9):
At this age (based on what I remember), I was really trying to gain approval from the authoritative figures in my life - parents and teachers. I remembered how hard I tried and I cringed… It was also the first 4 years of being an older sister. Suddenly, a lot of responsibility was thrust upon me and I lost a lot of attention from my parents. I could not understand what was happening then.
I called this phase the Ambitious phase because I remember having a lot of thought about ‘how to climb the ladder’, or in other words, how to gain favour from the authoritative figures. In school, I tried really hard to get my teacher’s attention by helping them out and being really like some model student (I have a bad memory of my Primary One and Two form teacher calling me stupid because I am very blur but try really hard to help her). At home, I desperately fought with my sister over ownership of many things and how to create a zone where I am the centre.
This phase ended when I was 9-years old because my Primary 3 form teacher gave me all the attention I ever wanted and even granted me many opportunities that I have always wanted but never given.
From this phase, I learnt how to read other people’s emotions and to sense the atmosphere in the room very well. Perhaps because these skills have been with me since the very beginning of my memory, I take pride in them and I brand them as my social skills. My hunger for new and exciting opportunities have been awakened and I have learnt how to invest my energy into things that reward.
The Academically-driven phase (9-12)
When I was nine, I placed third in class. The feeling of reaping the fruits of what I worked hard for was so refreshing and inspiring. I felt a new sense of independence that could be obtained through academics. This feeling has since been my driving force academically.
Also, my sister was still very young when I was in this phase. Being academically successful will be what differentiates me from her, and I was really into this.
From Primary 3 onwards, I started working very hard academically. Now that I look back in time, I realised how far I have come and I am proud. However, I soon reached a stage of frustration. Having placed third in class, I was moved into the ‘Best class’ where all those who placed high academically were gathered. The competition was fierce and I was frustrated that I was nowhere near the top. One fine day, when I was attending the price ceremony, I compared my grades with a classmate who used to be in the same ‘best class’ as I was but dropped out because his grades dropped. He placed first in his class and my grades were way better than his… (I was at the prize ceremony for some character award). It was comforting but frustrating…
This phase ended when I was 12. During the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE), a major exam that determines which secondary school you go to, I out-performed my own expectations by so much. It was the happiest moment of my life. I know there are many more who did better than me but I was happy because I met my parents’ and my own expectations, I could study in the school that I wanted to go to and that my hard work paid off.
From this phase, it was really ingrained in me that hardwork is key to anything. It gave me a lot of strength and courage to try new things and conquer them. Working hard for anything I want became a habit.
The Having-an-independent-mindset phase (13-14)
Something suddenly clicked in me and I realised how stupid I was in primary school. In primary school, I was a model exco prefect, among many other leadership roles I held. For the ambitious me, this was my pride. But something clicked one day and I realised that I was nothing but the teacher’s pet. Through my leadership positions, I wanted the opportunity to serve the school (my schoolmates, not the teachers nor the school) and I felt that the leadership positions (more specifically being a prefect or in council) could not satisfy my passion (of sorts). Now that I think about it, I feel quite impressed that I was able to think about things at such depth at that age. I think this clicked in me because of what happened on the first day (or was it the second) in my secondary school. The teachers had the prefects do a spot-check, i.e. to check whether students are following the rules. They used rulers to measure skirts and nails, checked phones etc etc. They were nice people no doubt, but what they are doing made my second think my thoughts about joining the prefectorial board (especially since I was always proud of being one in primary school, continuing it in secondary school felt only natural). I wondered why those people never thought about what I thought about and if they did, what motivates them to serve the board. The things they could do for the student body was very limited because of the certain image they had to uphold and all the red-tape. A minor reason would be that I knew no one in secondary school so I was having a bit of a rough time trying to adjust, thinking about extra stuff was abit out of the way then. With this mindset, I went on to try things that I feel strongly for such as serving in the class committee where I am nearer the ‘ground’ with lesser red tape and trying out all sorts of things (like scientific projects, sporting adventures, being a docent).
This phase ended because my secondary school provided many opportunities for me. There was never pressure that I would miss out on anything just because I didn’t believe in it. I had a lot of space to explore and express my beliefs through my choices.
From this phase, being an independent thinker stuck to me. I never chose a road because somebody else did or because everyone else will, if I care enough about it.
The Trying-to-survive-this phase (13-15)
So many things that hit me hard emotionally happened.
When I was 13, I had to manage the grief of mourning. When I was 14, I had to deal with friendship problems. When I was 15, I had to deal with more friendship problems. When I was 14 and 15, I also had to deal with an ever increasing responsibilities and workload. Emotionally, it was the hardest when I was 14. I realised how dangerous it was to have friends that have different definitions of friends (and also I found out that friends could mean things other than being there for each other no matter what). I lost my support system and my comfort. It hit my very hard emotionally and I was say that I closed up quite a bit after the whole drama. Academically, it was the hardest when I was 15. I was serving in the committee for my CCA. I was doing two scientific research projects. I took 10 (or 9) core subjects in school and my results were not ideal because things were difficult (the learning curve between sec 2 and sec 3 was very steep for me). I remembered being so stressed that I couldn’t sleep for more than 3 hours for one week straight, at its longest. On average, about one or two nights per week were such episodes of deficient sleep. I would wake up with the biggest headache on earth. Now that I think back, I have no idea how I survived the long hours in school in such a bad condition. I would cry in the bathroom when I shower. I would cry while studying. I would cry before sleeping. I cried so much that I promised myself to only cry in the bathroom. The moment I step out, it was enough tears for the day. For a period of time, it was so uncontrollable. Even after that period, I still cried every day. This was my condition for at least a good half a year. It was to the point that when I wake up every day, I told myself ‘good job for waking up. As long as you are still breathing, you are doing great.’ Not that I had suicidal thoughts or anything, but for some reason, I felt like I was going to die, like literally.
This phase ended after the academic year of Secondary 3. I pulled through by reading many positive and inspiring quotes of famous people every night (I really read through them every night). Those quotes gave me a lot of strength and was what kept me from depression. I also taught myself about healthy ways of tackling stress, for example, the day before the exam, stop studying before dinner and take the night off, if not, I won’t be able to sleep, and to just keep breathing, if it doesn't kill me, all’s good.
From this phase, I really became a lot stronger mentally. I learnt how to be more choosy about what I show to other people (perhaps too choosy) and how to create a mental-health friendly routine for myself. I must say that I became more sensitive to my own needs and how to cater to them. I also picked up the habit of drinking milo every morning from this phase.
The Thriving phase (16)
Secondary 4 was the happiest time of my whole secondary school year. After the previous phase, I became better at taking care of myself. I could take on even more leadership roles, by serving in one more committee, my class comm, and continue my scientific research endeavours. My scientific research journey was very draining but for some reason, I picked up my third one in this phase (third over a span of four years). When I was 16, I juggled all my school commitments well, to my own definition, and I graduated with straight As (for all my 9 or 10 core subjects) with a bunch of friends whom I will keep for life. All my needs from previous phases were satisfied and everything I have learnt brought me that far.
From this phase, I got a taste of what thriving was and I was sincerely grateful for leaving the surviving state. I have learnt to never take the thriving phase for granted, and to stay humble and keep working hard for my goals.
The Directionless phase (17-18)
After the Thriving phase, I was very determined to re-create the environment that I believed was very supportive of the Thriving phase. I became blind to the present and was not sensitive to my own needs and the needs of the people around me. To make things worse, my teachers in JC were not very encouraging or warm either. Things were starting to get frustrating because there was a difference between what I envisioned and what is happening. Nothing was working the way I wanted it to be. Not only could I not recreate that ‘Thriving environment’, the spirits of my classmates were pretty low and the class was nowhere near united or close as a community. As the class chairperson, I felt like a total failure. In my JC, we had no seniors because it is a new school. I had no guidance from my seniors nor my teachers. I had no direction for myself because I was so focused on the recreation and reliving the thriving phase that I didn’t realise recreate is not a thing. I should create constantly.
From this phase, I realise how important it is to be self-reliant. I need to look out for myself because no one else will do so for me. If I think I need it, take it but share it. If I think it is correct, do it but with care. I have also learnt how important it is to plan things. Even if things don’t work out the way you wish it would, having a loose plan would give us some sort of direction which is important in keeping yourself on track.
The Opening my mind phase (19-present)
At 19, I entered university and I have no regrets starting this tertiary education journey. My eyes have certainly been open to a bigger world. A world where everyone has different priorities and this difference is truly respected and encouraged by everyone around you. Everyone in a University is there for different reasons and has different life stories. After a few months of listening to others and observing everyone diligently living their own lives, I have truly gotten a taste of what it feels like to respect everyone. To be brutally honest, there were times when I felt more superior in terms of attitude, achievements, family etc etc (and of course times when I felt inferior). This has changed ever since I stepped into University. The differing attitudes towards life got them this far in life so why not. The differing priorities in life got them this far in life, so why not. When I say this far in life, other than the fact that they qualify academically for a University, it is also about living for more than about two decades already. Initially I didn’t know that I am currently going through this phase, until I heard my friend say ‘If she can get into ___ University, I confirm can’. What she said really shocked me. Perhaps I would have agreed with her or even thought the same way a few months back, but now, I really don’t see where she was coming from. I have no judgments over why someone gets into a certain University, I just congratulate her.
I labelled this phase as present because there are some people who bring out the small-minded me. I am not sure if being small-minded is a character flaw which I should work on or whether it is a side of me that I should accept and learn how to own it. I will continue to let this phase sit in me and we will see how it goes.
The Self-development phase (19 and currently restarting)
Between the time after A-levels and before University started, I had a lot of free time on hand - about 8 months. With so much time on hand, I did a lot of things like work and travel with family and friends. But I also started to think and ask myself many many questions. To find the answers to the many life questions I had for myself, I thought endlessly and read daily, until I had no more questions to ask myself and I am satisfied with the improved version of myself.
I think this phase would be a life-long journey and would come whenever I have extended periods of time alone. I had the first one when I was 19 and it was such a fruitful and happy experience that built the basis of how strong and confident I feel in myself.
However, recently, I feel like breaking down again. I am not sure if it is due to the Circuit Breaker and COVID-19 situation here or because I am too stressed about my upcoming exams or because I have too much time to myself. I started to ask myself a lot of questions again, and it is time to start thinking about life again. I will see how it goes.
Apart from the Self-development phase and Opening my mind phase, I feel like there is another phase in transition currently. This could be why I am feeling a new kind of low. I have no idea what this transition phase is and what I will gain out of it. And I must say that this was the case for me when I experienced all the different phases listed above. I am a bit scared because it feels like I am walking head on into a pitch-black tunnel with no end in sight.
I will be back with more updates on the phases of life I have experienced. I hope my experience can be comforting for you.
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